Like the title of this post, the Big 12 needed a lot of work. If the league had been formed in 2010, things might have been different. After a decade of dormancy, Nebraska would have acted like Kansas and Iowa State and would have been grateful to receive Texas money and maybe wouldn’t have been so bitter that they didn’t get to play Oklahoma every year.
Or rather, with another 14 years of OU-Nebraska games, there might have been a cross-over game like the SEC started in 2002 and the Big Ten followed suit on this year. (Supposedly OU didn’t want a cross-over game with Nebraska back in 1995, but more on that later.)
But, the league was formed in 1994, when Nebraska was the popular jock and didn’t really make too big of a fuss about not playing Oklahoma and didn't care about any of the other things that Nebraska gave up when they welcomed the survivors from the Southwest Conference. (I purposely omit the things Nebraska gave up because, let’s be honest, I still have no idea what the blankity blank blank* is and I don’t care. We’re moving on to greener pastures, baby!
*I seriously spent 10 minutes trying to figure out what the “blankity blank blank” was but I couldn’t remember the official term. It’s that student exemption thing that Texas wanted...my brain hurts just thinking about A. How little I’ve care about it over the past 14 years, and B. How much time I’ve cared bout it in the past 10 min.
That’s right, greener pastures, Big Ten Country. If Nebraska is breaking up with the Big 12 and all of its remaining members, then that means Nebraska is settling down and getting married to the Big Ten. And if that’s the case, it’s only natural that we take a moment and look back on all of our past girlfriends of the Big 12...and forget them immediately after.**
**Because football is all that matters. As far as I’m concerned, all of these future basketball and baseball games vs. A&M and Missouri are “non-conference” games.
Disclaimer: For the following analogies, I’ll be under the assumption that Nebraska is the male. Erin Hartigan, I expect you to follow this post up with your own version as Nebraska being the female.
Baylor: The Rebound
Always there for us when we needed a pick me up, never let us down. Most of the time she just laid there, but every time we got our victory nonetheless. And that’s all you can ask for out of a girl like Baylor.
Colorado: The Obsessive Stalker
Colorado wanted a relationship with Nebraska...soooooo bad. Unfortunately, Nebraska wanted nothing to do with the battery throwing, tire-slashing, obsessive fans of Colorado. We almost got as fed up with Colorado trying to make this rivalry happen as much as Regina George got fed up with Gretchen. Just stop, Colorado. You’ve embarrassed yourself enough. (As have I after posting a Mean Girls clip...next clip will be something manly, I promise.)
And I don’t want to get into any conspiracies here, God knows we’ve started a few too many this year... But I’m told the main reason why Colorado left for the Pac-10 was because of Nebraska’s restraining order demanding that they play a majority of their games further west.
Iowa State: The Thankful Fat Chick
Yes, we’ve had sexual relations with a fat chick, once a year in fact. We’re not ashamed to admit it. Thing is, she was just always so good to us and never tried to start a fight. She knew exactly what our relationship was, and there’s something to be said for that.
She knew Nebraska would make a business stop in Ames, or she be in Lincoln for a weekend (“Just to get out of Ames,” she’d always say.) And of course, we’d do our thing, but she never expected more. She was just always so thankful that we gave her some attention.
I didn’t hear one Iowa State fan bitch about Nebraska leaving for the Big Ten. I imagine their mentality was the same as Alvy Singer's in Annie Hall. They understand Nebraska wants to be in another club. They’re just thankful for the time we had.
Oklahoma State: The Ugly Sister
To be honest, we only played Oklahoma State because we wanted to get to her sister, Oklahoma, our true love.
Sure, she was fun for a while, we shared a few good games together. But she was an afterthought compared to the beautiful Sooner.
I’ve never met anyone who has been to Stillwater and I’ve never met anyone who said, “we’re Oklahoma State’s rival!” No one wants to date Oklahoma State. She’s the Ugly Sister, and maybe someday she’ll write murder mystery novel...or she’ll collect a lot of cats. Either way, I just hope she finds happiness.
Texas Tech: The Schizophrenic
We never knew what kind of woman we’d be dealing with when we’d meet up. The explosive firecracker that’d put up 50 points, or the dormant pushover that they were suppose to be.
It was too much stress dealing with Texas Tech, and Mike Leach. Never once did we go into a game thinking, “I can’t wait to play the Red Raiders!”
Instead, all I could think was, “I really hope she doesn’t try to kill me after we have dessert.”
Kansas: The Woman From Venus
You knew this relationship wasn’t going to work on any level. You liked corn on the cob, football, and Arrested Development. She liked wheat bread, basketball, and Two and a Half Men. Still, you tried to make it work.
But it was like when you watch a movie she wants to watch, even though you know from the get-go that you’re going to hate it (“13 Going on 30”) or it's like you trying to drag her to a baseball game, only she ends up texting for 3 hours and doesn’t watch a single pitch because “the game is soooo boring.”
Nebraska fans always got pumped when KU game to town for a basketball game, but by the time the game was over, every Nebraska fan wondered why they spent money to watch their team get repeatedly raped by the Jayhawks. Vice-Versa for the football games in Lawrence.
Nebraska wanted to be good in basketball, KU wanted to be good in football. But in the end, it was just too obvious that Nebraska was from Mars and Mark Mangino ate a lot of Mars bars.
Texas A&M: The Jerry Seinfeld Complex
On the surface, this was a match made in heaven. We both like the same things: football, tradition, strong fan base, tailgating. I really didn’t see this relationship coming, but when it first happened, it felt like something special. It felt just like when Jerry met his fiance, Janeane Garafalo of all people.
But then, time passed and we realized exactly what Jerry realized (5:55 mark): there can only be one of me or I’ll be sick of it. JA&M fans were too proud of their school, thought their tradition was better than ours, and how DARE they think the 12th man is better than the Sea of Red. Sorry, A&M, you can be the Nebraska of the South, but that’s as far as this relationship can go.
Kansas State: The 7th Grade Girlfriend
Have you ever looked back on your younger years and thought, “Jesus, I can’t believe I dated her?” It’s funny to think about now. You look back on it and think, “Aw, I didn’t know any better. Plus, at the time she was reallly cute!”
But as the years passed and you two fell apart, she has since packed on a few pounds and just recently left her abusive relationship with her supposed Prince, only to get back together with Bill (seen here, not knowing where he is), an older man who only came back because he realized he had no where else to go. You know all of this because for some reason you’re both friends on Facebook even though you haven’t had a meaningful conversation in about 8 years.
Still, you remember the good times you had making out behind the Jungle Gym, giving each other promise rings, and you smile and laugh about the innocence of the whole relationship.
And then you remove her from your friends list.
Missouri: The S.T.D. (Severely Traumatizing Delusionist)
I want to talk about Missouri. I really do. But like the one ex-girlfriend who all of your friends hate and still rag on, you feel guilty bashing on her more than your friends already do. After all, you just found the woman of your dreams who you’re going to spend the rest of your life with...and it turns out that woman was the same one Missouri had a crush on for years. (Yes, turns out Missouri is a dike.)
So instead, you just let all of your friends do all of the trash talking...talking about how Missouri is a classless hypocritical bitch who thinks she deserves more than she’s ever earned. And how she’ll forever be remembered by Nebraska fans as “the one with the armpit hair.”
You know, that kind of talking.
Texas: The Sadistic Heartbreaker
This one will always hurt the most. While we’re able to look back fondly at our relationship (sometimes) with Oklahoma, we can’t help but feel anger and resentment over Texas, the one who stole away our girl. (Yes, Texas is a dike, too. Only much more butch with a nose ring.)
Sad thing is we tried over and over again to make this relationship work, but Texas was all about herself. She didn’t care about us at all, and at times I think she didn’t even know we existed. Forget the fact that we have more Heisman winners and more National Championships than her***, she still thinks she’s better than us.
***Sidenote: Did you know Texas only has one THREE National Championships? Techinically, 4, but the one they won in 1970 was awarded to them BEFORE they played their bowl game vs. Notre Dame, WHICH THEY LOST! Dan Beebe was on the Championship committe, I think.
Oklahoma: The One That Got Away
I’ve been on a big Woody Allen kick as of late (See: Clip from Above). Because of this kick, I’ve discovered Mia Farrow, when she looked like THIS and not This.. same thing for Diane Keaton (seen young and seen old.)
Honestly, that’s how I feel about Oklahoma. I grew up watching Oklahoma as a pushover to Nebraska. I barely even remember the Thanksgiving day games. But I heard stories and I’ve seen clips about how it used to be such a romantic relationship and how we used to be the Jennifer Aniston/Brad Pitt of our day. (Which would make Texas Angelina Jolie, only that in this story, Angelina steals Jennifer away from Brad, which would have been soooo much better.)
Sadly, we grew apart and by the time I got to enjoy the relationship, Oklahoma had turned into old Mia Farrow.
What’s worse, though, is that after the Big 12 formed and we had broken up, Oklahoma started to turn from Diane Keaton into Diane Lane. (No need to post a picture of Diane Lane...I know every guy can summon up a mental picture of her in a millisecond)
I feel cheated by the whole thing. I spend my younger years dating old Keaton/Farrow, and then Texas gets to run off with Diane Lane.
Maybe my dad can look at Oklahoma fondly, as the one who got away. But I look at Oklahoma as the fat woman who suddenly lost all of her weight, turned hot, and then married the guy I always hated in high school.
I always thought it was Texas’ fault that we broke up, that Texas had stolen away our true love. Turns out, when discussions were had back in 1994 about how scheduling would work, OU said they didn’t want to play Nebraska in a crossover game (as it would be just one more hard game for them to play every year.) So basically, OU knew they were about to go on the Jenny Craig diet, and dumped Nebraska just as soon as she starting counting calorie points. I feel cheated.****
****When I first thought about writing this post, I remember thinking I was going to be very romantic writing about Oklahoma... I guess the bitter ex-lover in me took over. Having said that, I’ll miss you most of all, Oklahoma. You broke my heart. You broke my heart.
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