Graduation

It is with deep sadness that I inform you all of my intentions to retire from the world of Fantasy Football.

This was not an easy decision for me, but after 15 years of managing waiver wire pick ups, deciding on last minute lineup changes, and yelling at Jake Delhomme for fumbling the fucking ball for the umpteenth time, I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m mentally exhausted with the game (of fantasy.)

During this offseason, I could tell my time with Fantasy Football was over. Gone were the days in June when I’d go out to the nearest Borders to look for the Fantasy Football Index magazine. Instead, I found myself reading the daily Nebraska Cornhusker articles on Huskerpedia.com. I was clearly losing interest...and fast.

It was never about the money, or the fame, or the records. It was about the love of the game. But over the past few years, Fantasy Football stopped being fun for me. This was especially true for me last year.

In one league, I convinced myself to draft Patriot’s quarterback Tom Brady, the Devil, in the first round. That decision forced myself to cheer for him against my beloved Miami Dolphins two times a year. It was then that I knew how Dan Akroyd and Daniel Stern felt in “Celtic Pride.”

In another league, Wes Welker was the key to a championship year after I selected him the 3rd round. I celebrated for weeks after that championship game. n But during those weeks of nerdy bliss, deep down inside I knew I had betrayed the Dolphins by going with him over running back Ronnie Brown, who was selected two picks later. Decisions like that were what was ruining the game for me.

So I’m choosing to step away from Fantasy Football so I can focus on the more important things in life: The Miami Dolphins and the Nebraska Cornhuskers. No longer will I be scouting the backup running back for the Cleveland Browns, but rather I’ll be on phins.com reading the newest article about our third string nose tackle, Travis Ivey. And no longer will I have to watch another Raiders/Lions game because I have Kevin Jones in my lineup. Instead I can watch games that actually matter...you know, because football games matter...right?

I never really thought about this as retirement, but rather as a graduation. I don’t know what that means, but both John Elway and Junior Seau used that phrase in their speeches and I’ve always thought of myself as an Elway/Seau Hybrid Fantasy Football Manager. I don’t know what that means either.

I’ll miss the smack talk. I’ll miss yelling at the TV when Brian Westbrook takes a knee at the one yard line. I’ll miss wasting hours of my life setting lineups for a team no one wants to hear me talk about.

Country Music Is To Baseball As...

There might be only two things that Tyler Gloe and I have in common. We both enjoy Country Music (albeit he might have a little more knowledge on the subject than me) and thanks to growing up on Cal Ripken Jr, we both enjoy America's Pastime. Our love for both subjects led to a random conversation, comparing Country Music Artists to their Baseball Player Equivalents. From that conversation, we have been able to figure out that

Country Music Is To Baseball As...

George Strait is to Nolan Ryan

Both have had long and the most prolific careers anyone could hope for in their respective positions. George Strait with his 44 #1 hits, 4 more than Conway Twitty, and Ryan with his 7 No Hitters, 3 more than Koufax. Also, though I like country, I honestly couldn't pick George Strait's face out of a lineup. He doesn't have a nose like Paisley nor a goatee like McGraw. I imagine hardcore country fans with a broad knowledge of Baseball feel the same way about Ryan.

Brad Paisley is to David Ortiz

This one is timed perfectly. Both started their careers off fairly slowly. It took Paisley to get to his 3rd Album ("Mud on the Tires") until he really hit it big, and it was Papi's 2nd team after 6 years of mediocre play with the Twins until he really hit it FAR. 2003 was the magic year for both of them; Paisley collaborated with Allison Krauss for "Whiskey Lullaby" which was the #1 music video on CMT, and Ortiz collaborated with Manny Ramirez and The Boston Red Sox for the team's 1st World Series in 86 years. Over the next 6 years both have been consistently at the top of their game (and let's ignore Papi's performance this year, just like we're all going to ignore Paisley's Instrumental Heavy Album, "Play"). Also, no one hates either of these two guys. When Papi played 1st Base, he'd joke with every guy who stepped on the bag. Heck, he even jokes around with This Douche. And who HASN'T Paisley gotten chummy with? These are probably the two most liked guys in their respective professions, and for good reason.

Willie Nelson is to Cal Ripken Jr.

Who else could you compare the legendary "The Iron Man" to except the legend who's looking so old that he might need an Iron Lung in the near future? Both of these iconic players had ups and downs in their career, but were for the most part the most consistent out of any of their peers. Now they're both at the point of their careers where they don't really do much, but when their name's are mentioned they're always looked at fondly. Also, how do you think Ripken Jr. was able to relax his muscles so that they'd never tear? He Got High All The Time! After all, did you know that Ripken broke the Most Consecutive Games Record by exactly 420 games? Coincidence? I think not. (That fact is absolutely false)

Tim McGraw is to Derek Jeter

As an anti-Yankee fan, as well as an anti-McGraw fan, this one makes perfect sense. Sure, I hate Tim McGraw as well as Derek Jeter, but at the end of the day I can't help but respect both of them for being so damn good at what they do and with how they carry themselves as professionals. Sure, McGraw takes all the credit away from his Song Writers, just like Jeter took all the credit away from his Yankees' solid pitching staff back in the late 90's, but both of them aren't necessarily awful. Both are great with the ladies: McGraw gets Faith Hill, Jeter gets Jordana Brewster, Mariah Carey, AND Minka Kelly just to name a few! Heck, both Jeter and McGraw think that people want to know what they smell like! And lastly, both fellas think that Comedy is a strength of theirs...Case in Point: Derek Jeter's Taco Hole, and Tim McGraw with Blizzard Man

Garth Brooks is to Michael Jordan

This one is a bit of a stretch, since a small sampling of fans think Jordan was known more as a Basketball player than a Baseball Slugger, but for the sake of making this comparison work, just go with it. Because let's face it, there's no Real baseball equivalent to Brooks, a man who changed his genre, than Jordan, a man who literally changed the game of Basketball.

Also, neither of these two should have tried Baseball...at all. Technically, comparing Brooks to baseball and Jordan to Baseball isn't exactly accurate. Rather, it should be Jordan is to Baseball as Garth Brooks is to Chris Gaines, Brooks' Alternate Personality. In 1999, Jordan retired from the sport he dominated for a decade, and Brooks left Country, a music genre whose identity was completed turned upside down because of him, so he could promote his alternative rock character for his movie project, "The Lamb." Neither should have left. But when they came back, they were just as good as ever. Jordan won 3 more titles, and Brooks (EVENTUALLY) came with a good hit in "Good Ride Cowboy," a tribute to his deceased friend, Chris LeDoux.

Chris LeDoux is to Kirby Puckett

Speaking of Chris LeDoux.... here are two Hall of Famers who will still probably never get the credit they deserve. This could likely be because both left their professions years before they planned, therefore never getting the Curtain Call Final Year Treatment like other Hall of Famers like Cal Ripken Jr was able to have. LeDoux died of Liver Cancer while he was still out Touring, and Puckett was forced to retire when Glaucoma overtook his vision. Both never were at the top of their profession, as Kirby never won the MVP Award and LeDoux's best single ("Cadillac Ranch") only reached #18 on the Billboard Top 40 for country.

Kellie Pickler is to Chris Davis

People who sort of listen to Country Music would hear Kellie Pickler's name and say "Who?" Same goes for Semi Baseball Fans hearing Chris Davis' name. But their own industries can identify these two in the same way: Overhyped and only good for one thing: Davis for his Long Bomb potential and Pickler for her Large Bombs. Pickler got a little too much praise too early for her performance of "I Wonder" (which I still get goosebumps over) and Davis got a little too much excitement from Fantasy Baseball owners after Davis' strong 2nd half performance in 2008. (Even BIGGER goosebumps looking at that 40 HR potential)...

Since then, we've found out that Pickler doesn't have THAT great of a voice, and Chris Davis strikes out WAAAAY too much. There's still hope for these two to turn things around (Pickler smartly sticking close to Taylor Swift and Davis possibly realizing that it's okay to take a pitch or two) but for now, they're both a little to big for their britches. (btw, does this picture of Pickler feature the most bizarre prom outfit ever? I wish I grew up in North Carolina....)

Toby Keith is to Roger Clemens

Only fitting to have the Texan and Oklahoman paired together. Despite both having very prolific careers, it's always what they do outside of their profession that gives them the most attention. Clemens is still being asked by Congress and the MLB to apologize for using Performance Enhancing Drugs, while I think a lot of America is still waiting for Keith to apologize for his Ford Commercials. (Seriously, Toby, don't you have any more moves other than pumping your fist in the air and screaming?) Even their feuds are highly publicized: Clemens vs. Piazza and Keith vs. The Reporter.

Taylor Swift is to Dustin Pedroia

If you're not passionate about Taylor Swift and her ballads that resonate with teenage girls all over, then you hate the living beejesus out of her. If you don't appreciate the scrappiness and blue collar approach to the plate that Dustin Pedroia provides for the Red Sox, then you wish he'd go back to The Shire with Frodo where he belongs. I mean, just look at their two pictures above. Either you think they look hot/bad ass, or like the two most egotistical jerks in the industry.

Truth is though, unfortunately for the haters, both of these two stars are going to be around for a long time. Swift, while collecting countless Country Music Awards, is even managing to cross over to different genres (although maybe just as a joke) and Pedroia is beloved by his Red Sox fans (so he's not going anywhere), and also seems to be friends to some of the more respected players in the league.

Shania Twain is to Bo Jackson

Correct me if I'm wrong, but Shania Twain was the first legitimate Sex Symbol in Country Music, right? I mean, if you don't count Dolly's Partons, that is. Same goes for Bo Jackson, but that's in regards to how amazing it was to play with him on Tecmo Super Bowl. Both were mutli-platform performers, as Shania can do more than Country (does she even look close to Country in the picture above?), and we all know what Bo Knows. Was this comparison just an excuse to post Bo Jackson Videos? Maybe, but it was also an excuse to post Shania Twain Photos (would you believe there's no online video for Jackson's Wall Run? Ridiculous)

Rascal Flatts is to Alex Rodriguez

Let's face it: Rascal Flatts and Alex Rodriguez are douches. Sure, they both have their little niche of fans (13 year old girls/13 year old Yankees fans), but the overwhelming majority of people agree that both of these two suck. From Rascal Flatt's inexcusable "Me and My Gang" to A-Rod kissing himself in the mirror, neither of these two have redeemable qualities.

Even if you try to defend them, you fail. After all, they both had great moments: Rascal Flatts and the heart breaking song "Skin;" and remember that time when A-Rod showed class by moving Ripken Jr over to SS in The Iron Man's final All Star Game? You'd think that'd make them likable...but then you realize Rascal Flatts didn't even write "Skin," Contemporary Christian Artist Matthew West wrote it. And you just KNOW someone else told ARod that he had to give up the SS spot for Ripken (just like he'd eventually have to give up SS to Jeter when he joined the Yankees). Even when they do something worth while, it's not even their own doing.

Hey A-Hole, Joke's On You!

Until last night I had failed to find anything wrong with Austin, TX. For 5 months I've lived here and there's not one thing I could honestly say I disliked about the place. Warm weather, one of the best downtown environments a college town has to offer...I've even found a place in my heart to love Leslie.

But last night/this morning is when Austin finally crossed the line. After watching a great Brett Dennen show and meeting a few friends for drinks at The Library (for all Nebraskans, that's much cooler than it sounds), I find out that my car was broken into. Now, everyone who has lived at the SigEp House in Omaha on 33rd and Harney has had their car broken into at least once, so it's not like I hadn't experienced this phenomenon of taking-someone-elses-stuff-like-a-coward-because-they-are-a**holes before. But I had yet to experience the break in via brick, which as a result ended up shattering my passenger side window.

Seriously, people of Austin, what the Hell? Like Ace Ventura to the Wachootoos, I was unaware you were brick throwers! I mean, you can't just break into my car-- you have to throw a brick, costing me 200 bucks in damage repair. At least if you just steal something then someone's still benefitting. But when you break the window, that's just unneccessary! One more of these occurances, and I just might break up with you. (I'm kidding, I'll just have to deal with the love-hate relationship...I don't think I could ever break up with you)

The worst part about all of this is what was stolen:

-1 XM Radio Receiver
-1 Charger for my GPS
-1 Briefcase

The best part is that it's all worthless:
-The receiver is an old model, and I canceled the subscription today (which only I can renew). If anything, it can be sold for 5 bucks.

-The charger was tangled with the XM Radio cords, which is likely why it was taken. The GPS Tracker, thankfully, was tucked underneath my seat and was left unfound. So congrats, I'm sure that Charger will fetch for another 5 bucks on ebay.

-The Briefcase had absolutely nothing of importance in there, monetary speaking, and most of my co-workers called the briefcase a purse...so way to go
I guess what really irritates me the most is that someone failed to break and steal something of value. There was nothing gained from the whole experience. In fact, just in case somewhere out there the Cowardly AHole is reading this, here are a few things you could have taken, but didn't:

Sticks of Chapstick

It was during this time, after noticing TWO sticks of supposedly lost chapstick, that I realized I really need to clean out my car.

Items From The Trunk

When I returned to my car, not only was the window shattered, but the trunk was also slightly open. My guess is that you were still looking for my GPS, and thought I might have hid it in the trunk. Since it wasn't there, you ended up not taking anything. How do you not take a perfectly good 6 pack of Diet Coke or Dr. Pepper!? However, I understand why you didn't take my Portable Car Charger or my Bike Rack...you probably don't own a car, after all, someone could easily break into it.

Brookshire Brothers Monopoly Game

As you can see, I'm only a Lays Potato Chip and a Fritos Sticker away from winning $2,500 worth of Gas Money. I'm okay with people stealing stuff, as long as it's got a monetary value, because I get that's how the world sometimes works. But if you had stolen this, something I've worked hard at by flirting with the cashier in order for me to get an extra 5 game pieces each time I purchase a bottle of water, I might have cried.

My CDs

Sure, the only CDs in the sleeves were Jason Mraz, Justin Timberlake, John Mayer, and a few Sales CDs from Family Heritage, but seriously, who doesn't want to listen to why Field Recruiting is Important? Maybe you could have used it to recruit others to break cars all across Austin?! You've got to think about the future! True success in thievery begins with Field Recruiting.

5 Dollars Worth of Change

I understand not going for the pennies, but there was an entire stack of quarters. How do you not just take that and put it in your pocket? This is probably the most confusing miss for me.


Hand Sanitizer

Then again, who needs Hand Sanitizer when you wear gloves all the time?


Stamps

You know, for when you'll need to write to your family from jail.

Now that I've got that off my chest, feel free to comment on if a similar situation has happened to you. Broken glass, meaningless items taken while others were left untouched, or even just a good story to make me feel like it's not Austin's fault, but that it happens everywhere.